Recipe for Disaster

First let me say that I love my dear brother-in-law. He is as good a man as you'll ever meet. He is kind and fun to be around and hard working. But tonight we had a laugh at his expense. (Shhhhh. Don't tell, I would never want to hurt his feelings.)

Today my sister called me. She told me about a recent meal he made: Alligator, mushroom and peanut butter chili.  Yes, you read that right.

Mr. T (my brother-in-law) and David went to the fish market when we were in Florida a couple of months ago. Mr. T bought alligator meat which they brought back home with them and have been keeping in their freezer. When my sister found it the other day she told him he needed to make something out of it before it went bad and the chili is what he decided sounded good. I think she was thinking along the lines of gumbo or something. When she told me about this chili, I couldn't help laughing. Alligator, mushrooms and peanut butter together has "epic fail" written all over it.

In his defense, Mr. T has made some awesome meals in the past. His gumbo is some of the silkiest, most delicious gumbo I've ever had. This is also the man who made us kimchi stuffing for Thanksgiving a few years ago. It wasn't my favorite but it wasn't awful either. He likes trying new things and sometimes it works out and sometimes. . . It. Doesn't. That happens to the best of us.

So, I was telling my boys about this chili (over our bowls of cold cereal that we had for dinner--at least he cooks, right?) and their comments had me spewing milk out my nose.

Me: Uncle P made alligator, mushroom and peanut butter chili.
Joel: (deadpan) Did he have his glasses on?
[This is where I spewed the milk]
Much laughter.
Danny: Mom are you laughing or crying.
Me: Both.
Seth: Did he make it up?
Me: No, I guess he found a recipe for it.
Seth: That's even worse.

Those were my sentiments as well. Who on earth thought such a thing would be a good idea and how were they brave enough to post such a recipe on the internet? (Now I must Google it to find out.)
In all fairness, I haven't actually tasted said chili so maybe it isn't all I'm imagining it to be.

Not sure I ever want to find out though.

P.S. I just looked and a Google search turned up this recipe. I'm willing to bet this it, so if you are a lot braver than I am and want to try it out, you can.

Stop! Grammar-time.

I tried a new recipe tonight for dinner. Well, not new exactly, but new as in we haven't had it in at least three years. It wasn't all that I remembered it to be.

Me: This chicken isn't bad. . .
Nate: It isn't good either.
(Pause followed by me laughing.)
Me: I guess Nate doesn't like the chicken.
Nate: It's neutral. It isn't bad or evil.
Me: Is it chaotic? (showing my boys that I am not completely clueless when it comes to gaming)
Joel: It's "chaos", Mom.
Mom: Chaos is a noun. Chaotic is an adjective. I was describing the chicken.
Seth (to Joel): Ooooh. You just got grammared.

For those who don't know, getting grammared is like getting Jimmered but by your Mom when she corrects your grammar.

Word.

Got Milk?: A Dinner Conversation

Source: humblebumble.tumblr.com via Jill on Pinterest

I made coconut chicken for dinner. It was tasty. Joel made the comment that it was a great meal. We had frozen peas and fruit from a can too in my pitiful attempt to make the meal more rounded. Not very glamorous, but Joel was quick to point out that we were having protein, fruits and vegetables and dairy. Nope, no dairy. The chicken was dredged in coconut milk, not regular milk. This was the conversation that followed. I've left out names so that my children won't be traumatized at some future date by having this conversation immortalized on the interwebs.

Child 1: "Regular milk comes from cows, right?"
Child 2: " And sometimes penguins"

I couldn't help it. I cracked up. I told Child 2 that typically mammals produce milk and birds do not (although a quick Google search showed otherwise, technically speaking). The conversation went on with him continuing to be confused and saying cow's milk came out of its "butt" (a word that I typically discourage, just to make that clear). Ew. Um, no. I don't think milk would be such a popular beverage if that were the case. I explained that no, cow's milk comes from its udders which he then began calling "butters." At that point I decided to change the subject before conversation went down hill any further.

I think maybe we need to have some simple biology lessons to straighten things out. David and I have obviously dropped the ball in this department.

Dinner Conversation: Take 2

This is the actual dinner conversation verbatim. I asked Joel to bless the food and this is what followed. I sat down to start typing about half way through it so I wouldn't forget or leave anything out.
Joel: Dear Heavenly Father, Please bless the food and please bless me that I won't die from it. Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Mom: Joel, that was inappropriate. Please be reverent when you say the prayer. (struggles to not smile or laugh)
Joel: But it's my worst food ever.
Seth: I'm going to plug my nose, relax and eat a lot of it at once
Joel: If you want to eat it like an adult you can just plug your nose and eat it
Nate: I'm a dolt
Joel: Try to eat a lot of sauerkraut at once
Seth: Here I go (takes big breath). It's not that bad.
Joel: Do you want mine.
Seth: No, I'm not that dumb. Dan seems to like it.
Joel: Maybe he's plugging his nose
Seth: Swallow boy, swallow! Get some water in there and wash it down. Let me see. I can't see. Let me check under your tongue.
You're disgusting always chewing with your mouth open. (Does everyone see the irony here?)
Joel: You should've got a V-8. Conk. (you know--like in the V-8 commercials).
Nate: Conk. That is my spy car.
Mom: No toys at the table (Joel runs in the other room. presumably to put the spy car away).
Mom: Sit down and eat!
Seth: Arm wrestling! Whoever wins the arm-wrestling match the loser has to eat the other person's sauerkraut
Mom: No arm wrestling.
Joel: I don't wanna.
Seth: Joel ate my cheese and now all I have left is disgusting sauerkraut and a little bit of meat.
Joel: That's what you get.
At this point pandemonium breaks out and I must return to the table to restore order.
Incidentally, we had Sauerkraut Casserole for dinner. It's not that bad really. David and I both quite like it and it's my brothers' (both of them) favorite food. I think the sauerkraut is the turnoff for the boys but if you eat it all together, it's like a yummier, kicked-up version of shepherd's pie. We sometimes like to call it "Käse backen" which is German for Cheese Bake. My grandmother called it Yiddish Pie.
Sauerkraut Casserole
2 cans Sauerkraut, drained and rinsed (I usually only use 1 to spare my boys)
2 lbs ground pork sausage, cooked, crumbled, drained
Instant mashed potatoes for 10 (prepare according to package directions substituting onion salt for the regular salt)
8 oz. Colby cheese, shredded.
In a 9x13 glass casserole dish, layer the sauerkraut then the sausage. Spread the prepared potatoes over all and top with grated cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes until warmed through and cheese is melted. It tastes even better as leftovers.
This really is so good. I'd love to know if you try it and what you think.

You Might Have Little Boys If. . .

• The dinner conversation includes a reference to the bacon looking like a helicopter
• The most exciting part of your day consists of examining a really big dead moth
• You find a plastic spider frozen in a cup of water in the freezer (to be excavated later)
• There aren't any pillows on your bed because they have all been taken to build a fort
• You find the cap to the whipped cream can in the washing machine and marbles in the dryer
• You have ever stepped on a plastic army guy with bare feet (ouch!)
• You find random pictures of block towers on your digital camera
• The cord that pulls down the attic stairs doubles as a noose for bad guy action figures
• The bathroom is the grossest room in the house even though you just cleaned it yesterday
• The rocking horse is wearing a necktie
• You have more sports equipment around the house than the NBA, NFL and the NHL combined
• You know what NBA, NFL and NHL stand for
• You know how to make sound effects for a dozen different vehicles including tanks, bullet trains and motor boats to name a few
• You find Legos in the couch cushions while you are looking for the remote control (which you end up finding under the bed in another room)
• You've ever had to say the phrase, "Please do not climb into the dishwasher"

I know these things from experience. This is how:

Dinner Last Night

I made stir fry for dinner last night. I don't make it very often. The conversation went something like this:
Joel: What are we having for dinner?
Mom:Stir fry.
Joel: Have we had that before?
Mom: Yes, but it has been awhile.
Seth: This is kind of like Chinese food.
Mom: Yes it is.
Joel: Hey I didn't get a piece of corn.
Mom: Yes, you did. I made sure everyone had at least one piece of corn. Nate, will you say the prayer please? (He prays and we all say amen).
Seth: They put peas in my green beans.
Mom: Um, no. Those are called snow peas. They are sweet and tender so you can eat the pods too.
Seth: Oh.
Nate: I buried my octopus (indicates noodles from the stir fry that he has covered up with his rice).
Mom: What?
Seth: I think he said something about a dog.
Nate: (emphatically) No, not dog. Octopus.
Mom: Oh, okay. Eat it now okay?
Joel: HMMMMM! (making a high pitched whistling sound through closed lips). That is steam coming out of my ears from those hot peppers.
Mom: Those aren't hot peppers, Joel. They are just sweet red peppers. They aren't hot at all. Try them.

At this point Joel raises an eyebrow and gives me an incredulous look like he thinks I am trying to trick him.

Mom: Really, they aren't hot.

I also notice that Joel has created two little piles on his plate. One of mushrooms and one of the red peppers.

Mom: Here, you eat the peppers and I'll eat your mushrooms. (He flings the mushrooms at my plate and then Seth tries to pass his mushrooms off to me too). I don't want everyone's mushrooms.
Seth: Nate, do you want my mushrooms?
Nate: Uh, uh. I don't wike mushrooms. No thank you!
Mom: You guys are so silly. Please eat your dinner now.
Joel: Can I have more?
Mom: Sure.
I'm telling you, it was like eating dinner with a comedy troupe. It's not usually that entertaining--I'm blaming it on the stir fry.

A Hypothetical Situation

We had French dip sandwiches for dinner. This was something new for our family and was met with mixed emotions. Seth loved his. Joel not so much. The conversation went something like this:
Joel: Mom, what if someone didn't like this sandwich, would someone have to eat it?
Me: You don't have to dip it if you don't like the soggy bread. Just eat the sandwich.
Joel: But would someone still have to eat just the sandwich even if someone didn't like it?
Me: (cracking up) It's okay Joel, just eat half alright? You don't have to eat the whole thing.
Joel: Okay, Mom.